Fall came before I was ready for it. On September 1st, New York turned noticeably more brisk, dark, and serious1. I spent the final part of summer at home, mostly reading, writing, and cooking. I wanted to go outside more than I actually did, blaming the humidity or the distance between locations or my insistence on rest. There is such a thing as too much rest.
I’ve never been one to take on a 75 hard challenge (two 45-minute workouts a day, a restrictive diet, a daily progress photo, etc.), but it does feel like it’s time to bring some discipline back into my life. I don’t necessarily mean functional discipline—I get up at 7:30, lift weights, and get all my work done—but setting up frameworks that enable, rather than restrict, an enriching and expanding life. Growth comes with time, but also with intention.
Fall is my favorite season (though I dislike caramel apples, scented candles, and pumpkin-flavored things). A big reason is that my birthday is in late October, but I also love it because of its in-betweenness. The sweetness of summer lingers in seventy-degree weekends and gentler attitudes, but fall is also enveloped in winter coziness, crisp air, and earlier sunsets. This is my first September without returning to school, which is disorienting and nostalgic and sad. But walking by the uniformed children in the park is a reminder that learning does not end here; now it is infinitely mine.
Here are my rules for fall.
1. Once a week, say yes to something you want to say no to.
I am guilty of celebrating when certain plans fall through. Instead of getting dressed, putting my contact lenses in, and spending forty minutes on the subway, I get to stay in my room and surf the internet before I go to bed. But more times than not, when I go to an event I wish I could cancel, I have such an incredible time that I am reminded that being social is the entire point of being alive.
Even if the dinner is awkward, or the bar is packed, or the networking event is filled with suit-and-tied men whose eye level seems to cut off right above your head, being around other people is an opportunity to escape your own brain and see what you can make together. To be an engaged conversationalist, you cannot be internally panicking about your to-do list or fight with your friend. You have to listen and think and respond, and that makes all of us better.
2. To become a better creator, close your computer and get out of your house.
I often delude myself into thinking I’m being productive by locking myself in my room with my laptop open. I have to be inside so I can write! Writing takes focus and discipline! But so much of the process of writing is not typing. It’s looking, walking, thinking, speaking. In high school, I thought that the valor of writing merely had to do with the beauty of the prose. In college, I learned the obvious lesson that you also have to have something interesting to say. You will not be interesting if you don’t leave your house.
3. Don’t buy a new item without discarding something comparable first.
I have been aggressively on Depop this summer. I’ve sold sunglasses, t-shirts, bags, and shoes that have been laying untouched for years in my closet or under my bed. Every time I drop off a pink shipping bag off at the post office, I feel my entire being lighten.
Shedding the excess from my wardrobe feels so good that I don’t have the urge to buy new things. I do, however, walk a lot, so my shoes need to be replaced. My goal for the season is to wait until I’ve sold or donated a pair of sneakers before I purchase a new one. My goal for my life is to have one perfect version of everything I need, and replace each object only when it’s falling apart.
4. Have a pure pleasure day.
Whatever that means for you. Eat ice cream for lunch, scroll on your phone until your thumb sores, stay in your pajamas, gossip with your friends.
At the end of the day, with as little judgment as possible, diagnose your end-state. I find that after a period of incessant dopamine hits, I feel numb and a little bit sad. This state of lacking can actually be quite enlightening. I’ll start to crave my book again. I’ll crawl over to my desk and start writing an essay I’ve been mulling over without knowing how to begin. I’ll go to the kitchen and cook something colorful.
We too often view phone time and sugar and shit-talk as things to avoid at all costs if we want to be healthy, functioning human beings. But restraining yourself might only make you want it more. Instead, give yourself full permission, and by the evening, you might realize that they only possess the power that you give it.2
5. Clean and organize your physical space weekly.
When I got to college, it shocked me how many people did not know how to vacuum, dust, run the dishwasher, or do their laundry. It also made me realize how much of a brat I had been to my parents who had prodded me to do chores for my entire childhood. With the right mindset, chores can be an act of self care. When your environment is neat and organized, it’s so much easier to do everything else. And if you clean every week, the mess will never be that bad.
6. Ditch the journal.
Self-reflection is good, but in my opinion, morning pages (three stream-of-consciousness pages in your journal every day) are overkill. I don’t want to force gibberish out of my brain when I’m half asleep.
This year, I’ve been journaling about my life less than I ever have. Instead, I’ve started a new practice of observation and writing down things I notice in the world. It makes me feel more connected to strangers and nature and New York. On the subway last week, I made quick drawings of everybody’s shoes.
7. Make a list of qualities in others that you’re jealous of.
Jealousy can be the most revealing indicator of what you want to achieve and the kind of person you aspire to be one day. For example: I’m jealous of my friend who is a software engineer at a tech company, because they get to sit in glass offices and be home by 7pm. It makes me wish that I had majored in computer science. But when I really investigate this jealousy, I find that what I truly desire is technical excellence, a life outside of my job, and a delightful environment to work in. These things are not limited to coding at all.
The true Autumn solstice is on the 22nd, but I separate my seasons by month (sue me!).
The caveat is that social media is truly, horrifyingly addictive because of evil tech geniuses in SF. I use Opal to curtail my screen time.
I love these rules -- especially a truly indulgent day! I have been going, going for weeks so I plan to have a total relaxation day this Sunday and I cannot WAIT!